It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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