i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
why is half of my head shaved?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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