Michael Bay diarrhea
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
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