i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize
