its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
i love accidental penises.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
