I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
