I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
