I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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