I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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