Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
