so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Holy sore nipples Batman
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
