He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
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going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
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Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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