i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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