I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Randomize
