I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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