i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
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