I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
