I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
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