I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
they need to just BURY HIM!
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
