if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Randomize
