I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
