I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize