i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
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If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
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I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
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