Dude my mom stole all your condoms
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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