Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
no you cant smoke seaweed
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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