Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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