I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
