stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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