guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
