I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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