I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
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He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
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You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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