I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
