I'm jealous of your bromance
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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