You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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