i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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