did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
