Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
