my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
