they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
