Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
