I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Umm I'm too high to move.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
