I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize