I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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