My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
