I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
