Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
