I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
