Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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