You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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