he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
