she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
