I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
