he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
