I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
