my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
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