I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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